She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
