There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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