While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I came so hard my ears popped.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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