So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
