He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
