ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
