I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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