He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
