Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
