Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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