Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
