you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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