I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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