Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
