My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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