it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
