Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
