why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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