woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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