So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
