"it" just moved
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
