You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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