Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
