Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Success! We fucked roommates!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The ass gains better be worth it
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