those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
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OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
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It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize