Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
