i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
just tell him i said nine months
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
