you guys were way drunker than both of me
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
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Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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