mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
