Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
