the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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