I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
