paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
