When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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