He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
