so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
