All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
