Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
