apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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