I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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