I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Still dying that you shit outside
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
