she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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