Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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