i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
