How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
