take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
