i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
high people should be assigned attendants
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
