I heard we made out
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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