i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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