this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
