I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
