Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Randomize
