I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
