I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
