just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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