420 ftw
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
