The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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