See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
