you didnt know i had herpes?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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