Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
