brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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